february

I know I’ve kind of dropped off the face of the earth for some people. I’ve gotten texts from friends asking if I’m okay, they haven’t heard from me in a few days.

Sorry about that. It’s not you.

I am not a quiet person, by nature. I love to talk. I have opinions on almost everything, many would say TOO many opinions. I love to learn about what other people are doing, I love to share funny or interesting things that have happened to me. Building connections and community is really important to me. So for me to go radio silent is a shock, I think. It doesn’t make sense for who I have established myself to be.

My last job wasn’t a good environment for me. I learned a lot, and I’ll always be grateful for the experience I gained, but this learning did come at the cost of a great deal of happiness, and it took me many weeks to sort that out. I’m okay, and I wish nothing but the best to the people in that environment, but we were not a good fit for each other. After my contract ended there, I needed time to rest.

Resting, though, has made me feel like a failure.

This is something I’ve been working hard to deal with. I am not a failure for needing rest. Resting, in fact, requires courage. It’s a big ask for a lot of people to put the brakes on and say, “No, I need something different.”

I know a lot of people who struggle to call in sick to work, even when it’s clear that one day of rest will put them back in the game. Or who struggle with saying no or cancelling plans when your heart and mind aren’t up for it. A lot of us are afraid to rest because what if other people see us as less? Or not able? Or weak?

I don’t know how most people are going to think of you, but I’m proud of you. It’s so brave to set boundaries. It’s so brave to risk letting other people down just so you won’t let yourself down. As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Listen to your body and your mind. You know what you can handle. Just like my friends have been patient with me while I disappear, I’m going to be patient with you for taking your time. The people who really care about you always will.

So mostly, thank you to my friends who are pursuing me. I’ll be back soon.

And if you’re one of the ones who’s deliberately trying to slow down and rest? I’ve got space for you. I see you, I applaud your courage, I will do my best to pursue you.

It’s winter, and if you’re in Ontario, you’ve gotten a lot of slow in the last few days, and if you’re me you’ve also gotten a terrible man cold. There is no better time than right now to curl up on the couch with the hot beverage of your choice, watch some reality TV, and let yourself heal. It’s such a courageous thing to do.

feature image: @blessthemessy on instagram

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