june

I’m starting a new job next week. In my field of choice with security and benefits and everything. It’s what I’ve been hoping for since I graduated two years ago, or maybe even before then. But before you ask: I genuinely don’t know if I’m excited.

Of course, there’s the regular new job anxiety. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will I like the work? Will I be good at it? But there’s something else, too. This uncertainty in the pit of my stomach that is entirely related to the fact that last time I took this chance it was the wrong choice.

There are a lot of parallels between this week and the last time I experienced this, last August. I got the job offer while I was on vacation. I will be working on a website. I’m even leaving the same job, and saying goodbye to the same people. And last time this happened my life as I knew it changed so quickly and so negatively I was left gasping for air.

I don’t want that to happen this time – I’m happy, and I want to stay this way. There’s no reason to think that anything will change besides where I work, but it has before. So I guess my response is that I can’t look forward to anything so that I can’t be disappointed. What a way to live, eh?

Hot tip: refusing to anticipate makes you really, really sad. I have spent most of this year just trying to put myself back together. Why is there even a tiny part of me that wants to stay there? Why am I squishing the hope that something good could happen to me?

For the first time in forever, I can look at my life and think, wow. Look how far I have come. I can come back from September or December or March Linneah. I can make choices that are good for me. I can be healthy. So while I might be leaving the same job to do the same kind of work, I’m not the same person. Since the last time I did this I have cried and laughed and grown in ways I never really imagined I could. The experiences of this last year completely broke me down – but sometimes you need to be broken into pieces in order to be put back together. Insert another metaphor about resilience here.

Despite not being that excited, and definitely being quite afraid, I have a lot of hope. Things don’t have to turn out the same way if I don’t want them to. Here we go.

please enjoy this post from Morgan Harper Nichols that says all of this a whole lot better than I can:

View this post on Instagram

When you cannot see yourself in the future and you can’t imagine how something beautiful can come your way, remember: you are free to take this day by day. Start in the margins of this very minute…for within it, there are dozens of seconds you did not plan for but, you have already lived through. You have effortlessly collapsed in and out of them, and already lost track of them, like a billion endless bright stars in the dead of night, you cannot count every second, but they are all a part of your life, as countless stars are suspended in the sky. Even when you have no idea what could possibly be down the road, and you have absolutely no idea how next year will go, you still have this second, and just like that, you’re already on to the next one. Somehow, you kept going, even without noticing. You are moving right along, you are moving right along, even when you feel stuck in the present moment. The same way you made it through last week, last month, this year, you will make it through this present moment. You made it another hour. You drew another breath. You found boundless peace without knowing what came next. This is growth. This is progress. Even though you cannot imagine how the future could be beautiful for you, and how you could ever trust again and believe in love the way you used to, day by day, you will find: though you do not know what’s down the line all along, you have been on a journey of discovering: beautiful things take time. Time. Time. Beautiful things take time. It might even take years before certain things make sense, but there is no need to fear. There is still a greater story here. Through all your highs and lows, there is still a whole journey left to go. Even when you are weary from the past and overwhelmed by new unknowns. Every day you are alive, you are moving right along. And every present moment, you are learning to be strong. MHN

A post shared by MHN (@morganharpernichols) on

One Comment

  1. Benita Tovstiga

    Be happy. You are a whole new person with a whole lot of opportunity to look forward to. They will like you. They will be happy they hired you. You’ll be good at it. You will make a difference there. We’ve been praying for this. Trust that it’s right and good. 💕

    On Tue, Jun 30, 2020 at 7:58 PM Linneah Tovstiga wrote:

    > linneahbt posted: ” I’m starting a new job next week. In my field of > choice with security and benefits and everything. It’s what I’ve been > hoping for since I graduated two years ago, or maybe even before then. But > before you ask: I genuinely don’t know if I’m excited. Of” >

    Like

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