september

In my last post, I wrote about the confidence of a childhood friendship, and being ten and knowing who I was and where I was going (x). The certainty that comes with a childhood relationship is powerful, it shapes you. Since then, and especially in the last week, I’ve been thinking about the intimacy part of relationships. What a beautiful thing, to share an intimate relationship with someone. To be able to open yourself up, show your heart and share your truth, and trust that the other person wants and likes what you are offering. But, the risk of intimate…

august

When I was in grade 5, going into grade 6, my teacher hosted an open house for incoming students to our gifted class. We said a few words about the program, and then there was time for us to talk to the younger students less formally, tell them how we really felt. My best friend and I were going through a musicals phase at the time (a phase that lasted several years) and were stuck on Grease. We had it memorized. And we proved it, making one girl listen to us recreate an entire scene. This has been stuck in my head…

the long and winding road

When I had to move back home a couple of weeks ago, my mom asked me to start cleaning off my desk (we’re trying out this thing where we don’t hold onto stuff we don’t need or like or want for thirty years.) I started today, paring down my collections of books and papers, ruthlessly sorting things into “keep,” “donate,” and “garbage” piles. I, like everyone else, have been inspired by the Marie Kondo method of only keeping things that spark joy. During that cleaning frenzy, I came across a stack of cards that my mom mailed me while I…

stop.

Welcome back to 2am. I, for one, haven’t missed it. Tonight’s movie is Mamma Mia! and tonight’s exhausting intrusive thought is “what have I done?”  Here’s an update on my life, for those of you who need it: This week, by my own free will, I left the hospitality industry behind and today I embarked on a new journey of… nothing. I’m not going back to school, I’m not working anywhere, and I don’t have any job prospects. And it’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. As I’ve been telling people about my resignation over the last two…

rust

There are some days where (almost) everything goes right: you sleep in, you get some important errands done, you have a great shift and feel pretty and you have an excellent evening with your friends. You’re doing okay. And then you’re in your car on the way home and you start crying because suddenly, crushingly, you feel like you’re not going anywhere with your life. Because you’re 23 years old and still in school but you are convinced you’re not going to find a job in your field and you’ll have to be a part-time bartender living in your parents’…

one year later

On February 17, 2017, I learned that I would be leaving Sri Lanka, two months early and against my will. Another way to say that would be: On February 17, 2017, my dreams broke down and I had to give up on the only thing I wanted for as long as I can remember. What followed my homecoming was a massive existential crisis, the likes of which I never thought I’d experience, and months and months of self-doubt and self-pity. It felt like I had to relearn everything, starting with who I was as a person. It was really, really…

new year, better me

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. The beginning of January, a beautiful time of determination and hope that this is the year that we’ll keep our resolutions. We’ll go to the gym, we’ll eat better, we’ll quit smoking or drink less. It’s going to happen for real this time. I have never made and kept a new year’s resolution. I typically don’t put a lot of stock in them, and I don’t love to examine my life like that so thoroughly after a week of overeating and general laziness and decide what I need to change. I’m always exhausted…