on fear

Do you remember how afraid we all were last year? It stopped us all in our tracks, for a minute, as we said goodbye to what-was and figured out what was next. Do you remember only leaving the house once a week, carefully washing your groceries (even the packaged stuff) before you brought it in, parcel quarantine? Do you remember the panic, the plan pivots, the lives put on hold? Do you remember people checking in on their neighbours, doing grocery shopping or other errands for the vulnerable folks in their lives, the immense outpourings of support and gifts for…

wiper fluid

I’m only out of windshield wiper fluid when I turn a corner. When I’m driving down the road straight, the fluid level is steady, the sensor is not triggered, the light’s not on. And I don’t have to worry about it. I know how to fill up my windshield wiper fluid, of course, and I know that I can do it quickly and cheaply. But it is one of those things that I cannot be bothered to deal with. It’s just one more thing on the list that feels impossible to tackle right now. Don’t tell my dad this. Things…

soft

When I was a little girl, I cried a lot. It was the only way I knew how to deal with my big feelings. When I was fourteen and finally made it into the youth group at my church, that was the thing that was said to me at my first official youth meeting – I remember when you used to cry, all the time. And I did. I cried about everything – when I was angry, or sad, or frustrated, or to get attention, to get my sisters and cousins to play with me. And when I was happy…

july

Today is the three-year anniversary of me going to see Belle & Sebastian with an old friend. I introduced her to the band when we were in high school, and for years it was a thread tying us together. Nobody loved them like we did. We lost touch a bit after high school but when we were both able to go to their 2017 tour, we jumped at the chance. It was like no time had passed and we had one of the best nights I can ever remember. And today, after Instagram sent me a memory of the selfie…

june

I’m starting a new job next week. In my field of choice with security and benefits and everything. It’s what I’ve been hoping for since I graduated two years ago, or maybe even before then. But before you ask: I genuinely don’t know if I’m excited. Of course, there’s the regular new job anxiety. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will I like the work? Will I be good at it? But there’s something else, too. This uncertainty in the pit of my stomach that is entirely related to the fact that last time I took this chance…

may

Grief. Let’s talk about it. grief/ɡrēf, noun. deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. We’ve all felt it at some point in our lives. It’s a regular human emotion that eventually we will all encounter. There are studies on it – the five stages, the normal life cycle of sorrow. I think people even have a tendency to anticipate it, as if expecting it to come is going to make it any easier to bear. But. Is that ever untrue. When grief comes, no matter how you’ve tried to prepare yourself for it, it comes in swinging. It lands…

april

I don’t think it’s a secret to anyone that I haven’t been having a good time. Things are weird and hard in your 20s, and especially right now. I have spent a lot of time feeling far away from everyone else, and that’s hard for someone like me who values community so deeply. But. We’ve been in lockdown for (almost?) 6 weeks now and I feel less alone than I have in years. Having our world suddenly shut down has hurt a lot of people – myself included – and although I 100% agree with how necessary it is, I…

march

I was raised in a family of healthcare professionals. I have parents and sisters and aunts and uncles and friends working in healthcare in some capacity. I even worked in healthcare for a minute. In many ways, I am grateful for this. My mom recognized how sick I was in high school because of her training, and she taught me how to advocate for myself with the doctors and specialists I would meet down the road. I learned how to read my own blood test results as a teenager which equipped me for years of my own illness but also…

february

I know I’ve kind of dropped off the face of the earth for some people. I’ve gotten texts from friends asking if I’m okay, they haven’t heard from me in a few days. Sorry about that. It’s not you. I am not a quiet person, by nature. I love to talk. I have opinions on almost everything, many would say TOO many opinions. I love to learn about what other people are doing, I love to share funny or interesting things that have happened to me. Building connections and community is really important to me. So for me to go…

january

One of the first things you learn in SCUBA diving is how to achieve neutral buoyancy. My certification instructor took me to the bottom of the ocean, planted the toes of my fins in the sand, and showed me how to get just the right amount of air into my BCD so that I moved with the water. Breathe in, move up. Breathe out, move down. This wasn’t an easy thing for me to learn how to do. It’s not easy to be so still, to let the water and the current take over your motion like that. It requires…