rust

There are some days where (almost) everything goes right: you sleep in, you get some important errands done, you have a great shift and feel pretty and you have an excellent evening with your friends. You’re doing okay. And then you’re in your car on the way home and you start crying because suddenly, crushingly, you feel like you’re not going anywhere with your life. Because you’re 23 years old and still in school but you are convinced you’re not going to find a job in your field and you’ll have to be a part-time bartender living in your parents’…

one year later

On February 17, 2017, I learned that I would be leaving Sri Lanka, two months early and against my will. Another way to say that would be: On February 17, 2017, my dreams broke down and I had to give up on the only thing I wanted for as long as I can remember. What followed my homecoming was a massive existential crisis, the likes of which I never thought I’d experience, and months and months of self-doubt and self-pity. It felt like I had to relearn everything, starting with who I was as a person. It was really, really…

new year, better me

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. The beginning of January, a beautiful time of determination and hope that this is the year that we’ll keep our resolutions. We’ll go to the gym, we’ll eat better, we’ll quit smoking or drink less. It’s going to happen for real this time. I have never made and kept a new year’s resolution. I typically don’t put a lot of stock in them, and I don’t love to examine my life like that so thoroughly after a week of overeating and general laziness and decide what I need to change. I’m always exhausted…

do mind me

I’m always covered in bruises or running into things. I have bad balance. I’m not a good person to have on a boat. Unfortunately for me, the past year or so has been a lot like being on a boat (a metaphor I’ve drawn before x). Everything about my life has changed dramatically several times and every time I feel like I have found my footing the ground pitches and I have to fight to regain my balance all over again. I feel like I’m always sort of tilted in one direction – too much work, too much time alone,…

extra ordinary

Blogging came easily when I was living abroad last year. Seeking inspiration, I spent some time looking at my old posts this week. They’re interesting if I do say so myself. I had a lot to say. I learned a lot from living in Sri Lanka and I knew how to share it with other people. It’s not so easy now. A year ago, I was learning about my own capabilities and strengths and how to be alone and learn a new culture and figure out work dynamics and every lesson I learned was worth sharing. They were the personal…

hysteresis

hys–ter-e-sis:n [NL, fr. Gk hysteresis shortcoming, fr. hysterein to be late, fall short, fr. hysteros later] a retardation of the effect when the forces acting upon a body are changed (as if from viscosity or internal friction); esp: a lagging in the values of resulting magnetization in a magnetic material (as iron) due to a changing magnetizing force. –hys-ter-et-ic adj (x) The concept of hysteresis was presented to me by Dr. Seirlis last summer, in a lecture I did not understand at ALL. I had numerous opportunities to engage with the text she provided for us outside of that initial lecture and I rejected it. She brought up those…

at the top of my lungs

In February I posted a blog titled “why you’ll hear a lot more from me from now on” (x) and since then you have heard from me exactly zero times. I talked a lot about how silence is complicity and then I stayed silent. And now I’m going to tell you why. Just a couple of weeks after I posted my last blog, my placement contract was suddenly terminated. I thought things were going well (or at least, they were okay), and then I was saying goodbye to people I know I will never see again and trying to decide if going…