june

I’m starting a new job next week. In my field of choice with security and benefits and everything. It’s what I’ve been hoping for since I graduated two years ago, or maybe even before then. But before you ask: I genuinely don’t know if I’m excited. Of course, there’s the regular new job anxiety. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will I like the work? Will I be good at it? But there’s something else, too. This uncertainty in the pit of my stomach that is entirely related to the fact that last time I took this chance…

may

Grief. Let’s talk about it. grief/ɡrēf, noun. deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. We’ve all felt it at some point in our lives. It’s a regular human emotion that eventually we will all encounter. There are studies on it – the five stages, the normal life cycle of sorrow. I think people even have a tendency to anticipate it, as if expecting it to come is going to make it any easier to bear. But. Is that ever untrue. When grief comes, no matter how you’ve tried to prepare yourself for it, it comes in swinging. It lands…

april

I don’t think it’s a secret to anyone that I haven’t been having a good time. Things are weird and hard in your 20s, and especially right now. I have spent a lot of time feeling far away from everyone else, and that’s hard for someone like me who values community so deeply. But. We’ve been in lockdown for (almost?) 6 weeks now and I feel less alone than I have in years. Having our world suddenly shut down has hurt a lot of people – myself included – and although I 100% agree with how necessary it is, I…

march

I was raised in a family of healthcare professionals. I have parents and sisters and aunts and uncles and friends working in healthcare in some capacity. I even worked in healthcare for a minute. In many ways, I am grateful for this. My mom recognized how sick I was in high school because of her training, and she taught me how to advocate for myself with the doctors and specialists I would meet down the road. I learned how to read my own blood test results as a teenager which equipped me for years of my own illness but also…

february

I know I’ve kind of dropped off the face of the earth for some people. I’ve gotten texts from friends asking if I’m okay, they haven’t heard from me in a few days. Sorry about that. It’s not you. I am not a quiet person, by nature. I love to talk. I have opinions on almost everything, many would say TOO many opinions. I love to learn about what other people are doing, I love to share funny or interesting things that have happened to me. Building connections and community is really important to me. So for me to go…

january

One of the first things you learn in SCUBA diving is how to achieve neutral buoyancy. My certification instructor took me to the bottom of the ocean, planted the toes of my fins in the sand, and showed me how to get just the right amount of air into my BCD so that I moved with the water. Breathe in, move up. Breathe out, move down. This wasn’t an easy thing for me to learn how to do. It’s not easy to be so still, to let the water and the current take over your motion like that. It requires…

december

I’m currently reading a book called “You’re not lost” by Maxie McCoy. It’s an “inspired action plan for finding your own way” and it has exercises in it to help you figure out what you want in life. What brings you energy, what lights your fire, all of that. One of the exercises I did today was call (text) ((Snapchat)) a friend and ask her what my future smells like. (the book acknowledged what a strange ask this was and also promised I’d want to hear the answer. I did.) Here’s what she said: Coffee. Coming home and turning on…

november

One of the most wonderful things about my friendships right now is how flawed we all are (hear me out). Being in your twenties is impossible, and we’re all trying really hard to be healthy and whole and have good skin and get regular haircuts and excel at everything but more importantly we’re all failing at these things on a pretty regular basis. As much as I’d like to believe otherwise, we’re not perfect people and we are all learning how to balance our successes and our failures. And we’re holding space for each other, too. I feel like my…

october

I have a big scar on the inside of my arm, from when I fell off a fence when I was six. The doctors told me it would go away with time, but it’s been almost 20 years, I think it’s here to stay. There’s one on my knee, that I earned scuba diving in Sri Lanka, but it’s fading and I expect it will be gone soon. Callouses on my hands, results of pushing myself at the gym in an effort to forgive and love my body. And at any given moment, I have at least one on my…

september

In my last post, I wrote about the confidence of a childhood friendship, and being ten and knowing who I was and where I was going (x). The certainty that comes with a childhood relationship is powerful, it shapes you. Since then, and especially in the last week, I’ve been thinking about the intimacy part of relationships. What a beautiful thing, to share an intimate relationship with someone. To be able to open yourself up, show your heart and share your truth, and trust that the other person wants and likes what you are offering. But, the risk of intimate…