may

Grief. Let’s talk about it. grief/ɡrēf, noun. deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. We’ve all felt it at some point in our lives. It’s a regular human emotion that eventually we will all encounter. There are studies on it – the five stages, the normal life cycle of sorrow. I think people even have a tendency to anticipate it, as if expecting it to come is going to make it any easier to bear. But. Is that ever untrue. When grief comes, no matter how you’ve tried to prepare yourself for it, it comes in swinging. It lands…

january

One of the first things you learn in SCUBA diving is how to achieve neutral buoyancy. My certification instructor took me to the bottom of the ocean, planted the toes of my fins in the sand, and showed me how to get just the right amount of air into my BCD so that I moved with the water. Breathe in, move up. Breathe out, move down. This wasn’t an easy thing for me to learn how to do. It’s not easy to be so still, to let the water and the current take over your motion like that. It requires…

october

I have a big scar on the inside of my arm, from when I fell off a fence when I was six. The doctors told me it would go away with time, but it’s been almost 20 years, I think it’s here to stay. There’s one on my knee, that I earned scuba diving in Sri Lanka, but it’s fading and I expect it will be gone soon. Callouses on my hands, results of pushing myself at the gym in an effort to forgive and love my body. And at any given moment, I have at least one on my…

august

When I was in grade 5, going into grade 6, my teacher hosted an open house for incoming students to our gifted class. We said a few words about the program, and then there was time for us to talk to the younger students less formally, tell them how we really felt. My best friend and I were going through a musicals phase at the time (a phase that lasted several years) and were stuck on Grease. We had it memorized. And we proved it, making one girl listen to us recreate an entire scene. This has been stuck in my head…

the long and winding road

When I had to move back home a couple of weeks ago, my mom asked me to start cleaning off my desk (we’re trying out this thing where we don’t hold onto stuff we don’t need or like or want for thirty years.) I started today, paring down my collections of books and papers, ruthlessly sorting things into “keep,” “donate,” and “garbage” piles. I, like everyone else, have been inspired by the Marie Kondo method of only keeping things that spark joy. During that cleaning frenzy, I came across a stack of cards that my mom mailed me while I…

stop.

Welcome back to 2am. I, for one, haven’t missed it. Tonight’s movie is Mamma Mia! and tonight’s exhausting intrusive thought is “what have I done?”  Here’s an update on my life, for those of you who need it: This week, by my own free will, I left the hospitality industry behind and today I embarked on a new journey of… nothing. I’m not going back to school, I’m not working anywhere, and I don’t have any job prospects. And it’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. As I’ve been telling people about my resignation over the last two…

rust

There are some days where (almost) everything goes right: you sleep in, you get some important errands done, you have a great shift and feel pretty and you have an excellent evening with your friends. You’re doing okay. And then you’re in your car on the way home and you start crying because suddenly, crushingly, you feel like you’re not going anywhere with your life. Because you’re 23 years old and still in school but you are convinced you’re not going to find a job in your field and you’ll have to be a part-time bartender living in your parents’…